The Velveeta Room Announces New Open Mic Rules

Today The Velveeta Room announced its new Open Mic rule changes that will go into effect on July 2nd, 2009. In the meantime, sign-ups are still done on The Velveeta answering machine at (512)469-9116. Sign-ups close at 8 pm on Thursdays.

The most pronounced changes that will be taking place will involve the transition of sign-ups to an on-line system and a capping of the list to 33 comics to be determined by Dana (Velveeta Room booker/bartender extraordinaire).

The rules are as follow:

1. Sign up is done on the VelveetArena at www.thevelveetaroom.com/forum.
- You will need a Forum ID to sign in (if you don't already have one).
- Log into the forum and go to the forum entitled “the velveeta room ye old smellveeta”.
- Look for the open mic date you want to sign up for and submit your REAL NAME (NOT your Forum ID or handle).
- If you do not sign up you will not be on the list and signing up will not guarantee a spot on the list.

2. Deadline for sign up is midnight on Monday of every week. The list will be posted on the forum the next day, Tuesday at noon.

3. You must check in between 9:00 and 9:30 pm to perform on Thursday evening Showtime is 9:30 pm.

4. All bumps, adds, or changes will be made through Dana. The host has no power to make changes to the list.

5. The list will be capped at 33 comics. 20 comics will have 3 minutes, 10 comics will have 6 minutes, and the 3 comics will have 10 minutes.

6. The harder you work and the funnier you get, the more stage time you'll get.

7. These rules go into effect July 2, 2009.

8. Always leave them laughing.

Comments

scottcalonico's picture
by scottcalonico - Jul 1 2009 - 7:51pm

yoyoyoyoyo ATX!!!

hope all is well there.

been reading the site and the forum and checking out the scene in the ATX.

throwing in my .02 (or here in the UK, that would be £.005) it sounds like Dana hit the nail on the head.

even before we left, the open mike lists were getting out of control. when we tell people here in belfast about the 40+ comics going up in one night, they just shake their heads.

that being said - one thing that's hard to do is to hard code the comedy list. there is ALWAYS going to be some other comedians who come in and ask for stage time or a better spot.

is it fair? no. is it right? no. but you have to think about it from the club owner/manager's point of view.

"let's see...i could either let this guy go up who's never done any stage time at all or has done a little bit of time and sucks or let this seasoned comic go up and make people laugh"

one thing that did bug me, though, was the arbitrary shut down time of the V-Room. Especially if it was a great open mike night, and there was still:

1) comics who wanted to go up
2) other comics who wanted to drink
3) audience members who wanted to drink

and yet the v-room would still close.

i understand that people want to go home, but it's a club. and as long as there are people there who are willing to pay money to drink and keep it open...why not do that?

matt bearden's picture
by matt bearden - Jul 2 2009 - 7:52am

Some guy here named Whale Boy says he wants to get on the list ? . . .

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jul 2 2009 - 7:25am

... you limey turncoat. Have you been yet to 62 Gloucester Place to hoist a pint and pour a little bit on the ground for your fallen homie? You pikey pillock of an uphill gardener.

Geoff D's picture
by Geoff D - Jun 18 2009 - 6:05am

Where are we gonna see you joke each other off in public?

Is anything gonna be on the line?

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 12 2009 - 1:24pm

OMG!
Like NO WAY!
Did I just see Fagly the Joke last night? LIVE?
Now I can die happy!
In a sea of Amatuer Open Mikers.. Like Matt Bearden, Ramin, and Seth Cockfeild... ONE man dares to express himself with many, many, many pins on his overcoat..YOU GUESSED IT... FAGLY THE JOKE!
At first I must admit i was a little over excited when I saw him get off of his tricycle in the pouring rain, but I didnt want to rush up and ask for his autograph and Im sure comics of his stature HATE it when we "common folk" try to pose for pictures with him.
So I sat back quietly and waited for the fireworks that he was sure to produce when he groggily stepped on stage..
AND OH HELLS YEAH
Did he ever ! I think we all agree the highlight of the night at Velveeta Room last night was the woman who dropped her drink on the floor making a loud crash!
But the second best moment was when Ole Fagly (as i like to call him)pulled a rubber chicken penis out of his PANTS!! LOL LMAO ROTFL
i just cant quit laughing today..
I call it aftermath laughs..
Most clowns prefer makeup on the face But fagly is so used to wearing makeup when he goes out dressed as a woman (every weeknight).. he chooses to wear a stocking mask with ..get this... X's on the eyes!!!! LOL LMAO ROTFL
I surely tell you this AUSTIN TX! we have all been blessed last night in the form of an overweight mid-40's male who shines like a blacklight on stage while in full drag!
He is soooo funny you dont have to Understand what he mummbles through his too-tight mask and YES if he were to cut the mouth hole bigger he wouldnt be so incoherent (not to mention xxxxx's would fit in there alot easier)But thats part of the JOKE!! LOL LMAO ROTFL
If you ask me the crowd was 1/2 full 1/2 way into Fagly's set and then he achieved in "Getting Those pesky non-comic audience members OUT OF THERE!!!" By the end of his 2 min set (though we ALL wanted more of his genius style of comedy) it was only the comics left in the building (THANK GOD!)
and then here comes BOB, --Gosh BOB couldnt YOU wear a clown outfit?
Would it hurt?
How about at least a 70's style suitcase that says "BOB"?

Well I guess some people never learn!

On Behalf of the 14 comics left at Velveeta room after your set Fagly... Slaite MATE!
Slainte!!

-Highlander the Clown

Bob Gnoblik's picture
by Bob Gnoblik - Jun 17 2009 - 2:24pm

Glad this was forwarded to me. Wow. It takes REAL balls to talk smack about a sad clown on the Internet. And you're some kind of real man, apparently, Francis. At least FUgly has the guts to say his dirt in person. But what did he say that was so bad you couldn't handle it? I was there that night, as I've managed him for over 10 years. The only thing he stated about other stand-up comedians is that many of them aspire to be on sitcoms, but that he does not.

So boo hoo for you, Scottish macho man, with your fist-waving user pic. Was a clown too much for you to handle? And what does it say about the Velveeta audience if half of them left after three minutes of a clown act? Seriously. Maybe THEY, unlike you, actually got the joke and decided they'd had enough of the same old comic crap. But then irony is far too subtle a concept for someone as ignorant as you.

Bottom line: Fugly REALLY got to you. Perfect. And so you played right into his hands, dumb ass! And in doing so, you missed the entire point of his act. If you took all of two minutes to read up on him before acting like a whining child on an online forum, you'd see that he clearly states that comedy is dead. FUgly isn't a comedian. He's an ABSURDIST. Like Tony Clifton or Neil Hamburger, FUgly's a monkey wrench thrown into the all too smoothly running machinery that is funny business as usual. Your obvious hatred of him is one thing, as clowns are scapegoats by design. They play the fool. The village idiot. They symbolize the fears we form as kids. You're not supposed to like them. But when one stoops to flat-out libel while spewing repressed homoerotic tendencies, as in your case, it's time to get some help. "Fagly"? "Dressed as a woman"? It sounds like your projecting some less than manly hopes and dreams, tough guy.

Maybe next time you'll think twice before shooting your big mouth off about a topic of which you know nothing.

Dana's picture
by Dana - Jun 17 2009 - 7:22pm

Dear manager of Fugly,

I book the Velveeta. Your attitude toward my audience and stand up comedy in general, does not lend me to believe you care much about my business.

Therefore, let me reassure you... As long as I am booking the club noone you manage will EVER get on the Velveeta stage. Maybe this has settled this discussion.

Love,
Dana

jonwilkes's picture
by jonwilkes - Jun 17 2009 - 5:38pm

i wasn't there this particular evening, but now I feel like i genuinely missed out on something unique and interesting. and by that, I mean a velv open mic that could in any way be described as "all too smoothly running machinery". good god, that must be like seeing a four leaf clover fucking a unicorn, and twice as rare.

J Mo's picture
by J Mo - Jun 17 2009 - 3:37pm

It seems odd that an "absurdist" or his "fake manager" would care what was written about him one way or the other. I say the more clowns (and Scots) the better. I may not mean it, but I say it. Hmm, maybe I'M an ABSURDIST.

marthakelly's picture
by marthakelly - Jun 17 2009 - 5:36pm

More J Mo! The people demand it!

TheChad's picture
by TheChad - Jun 17 2009 - 3:58pm

A clown who's life mission is to "throw a monkey-wrench" into comedy, an open-miker who calls out a clown for not being funny, and a guy who uses the word "manage" to describe his relationship with the aforementioned clown.

Somebody must be scripting this. We're all part of a big "gotcha", right? Where's the camera?

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 18 2009 - 9:05am

the only thing I would rephrase is "an Open Miker"

please refer to my Film credits
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2436724/

and please note that I just got done filming a Canadian version of Last Comic Standing That aires in July (2009 but has run for 5 years) on Canada's The Comedy Network
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_programs_broadcast_by_The_Comedy_Ne...

Not to mention
Has performed in the Glasgow International Comedy Festival
http://www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com/

and is featured on Rooftop Comedy
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/Womencansmellthebrokeonyou

And, for you locals, tonights performance at La Zona Rosa will be featured on
ATX

But other than that,
I agree with the whole Camera Thing!

Slainte Friend
-Scottish The Open MIker

Bob Gnoblik's picture
by Bob Gnoblik - Jun 17 2009 - 6:00pm

Fake manager? I've been booking his damn gigs since '98! Why don't you just say what's REALLY on your minds: the fact thaft I'm fat! I've heard it all before. And for your information, I have a thyroid condition. But apparently, it's your First Amendment right to libel me as well.

I give up. Not only do I get crap from you for defending a client but now I just got a smackdown from the client himself. FUgly chewed me out for sticking up for him on this forum. He claims the Scottish guy, and everyone else, has the right to hate him and his act. Free speech and all that jazz. So be it. Have it your way and keep on hating.

Alright.

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 18 2009 - 12:54am

Bob Gnoblick IS FUGLY!
Thats for sure!

I would like to personally apologize to you for pointing out the obvious! In a world full of "The Everyday average Comedian" Fagly really stands out, because he is the opposite of a comedian ...... He's not funny.
And I stand behind this !
Do i think im funnier?
LETS FIND OUT!

I OFFICIALLY CHALLENGE THE CLOWN TO A JOKE OFF! (And since YOU are the Clown I challenge you)

-Highlander The Clown VS Fagly The Joke
(Coming soon to an open mic Near You)

J Mo's picture
by J Mo - Jun 17 2009 - 6:45pm

Don't give up so easily, you're better than that.

seanathan's picture
by seanathan - Jun 17 2009 - 9:16pm

i think "bob" is actually luke responding to his own rant because chad didn't get into a love/hate debate with him.

J Mo's picture
by J Mo - Jun 17 2009 - 9:40pm

I'm not sure a dude pretending to be another dude and starting a fight with himself is technically a conspiracy. It is a theory, though. Nice work.

seanathan's picture
by seanathan - Jun 18 2009 - 12:33am

well we'll just say it has something to do with a cia cover up of fugly ever having performed, and that should take it to full fledged conspiracy levels. i feel like such a hardy boy right now! i think i'm getting a clue.

invasionfromkat's picture
by invasionfromkat - Jul 2 2009 - 12:00am

But I feel sympathy for Bob....thyroid condition clowns suffering from a dissociative disorder (MPD-manager personality disorder...hah!), being forced to take it up the ass from comedians after coming into a comedy club and pulling a rubber chicken fromst the dicker-hole.....well that ain't really much of a way to spend a thursday night.....

Bob....let's go on a date to a wing buffet and you can tell me all about your successful career, your thyroid disorder, and how it is you look so sexy sittin' on that thar couch....

wink
;)

-Katly the Jew

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jul 2 2009 - 7:29am

Wow, I thought Jews could read faster than that. How do they ever have time to control the media with all the paperwork that involves? I stand in awe.

invasionfromkat's picture
by invasionfromkat - Jul 3 2009 - 1:52am

Not all jews Dr. Won, some of us are broke, have a hard time readin', and occasionally suffer from enlarge nasal pores eventually leading to sinus infections....

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jul 3 2009 - 7:37am

And disillusioned.
And disappointed.

TheChad's picture
by TheChad - Jun 15 2009 - 9:00am

Hey, thanks for taking up 38 lines of my screen real-estate to tell me that you didn't like my set. I was trying something new but obviously it didn't work. Can we count on you to write reviews for every comic who has a bad night?

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 15 2009 - 3:45pm

Yeah, IM TALKING TO ME!
I have the audacity to show up on unfamiliar turf and make fun of comedians?
COMEDIANS ARENT WORKING TO GET LAUGHED AT MAN!
If I turn Fagly the Joke into the laughing stock of the comedy world.. then you would think HE WON..right?
NOPE!
We are comics here man...
Lets BE SERIOUS!

-the agressive asshole

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 15 2009 - 11:29am

I thought Fagly the Joke was Geoff Davis?

hmmmm

Geoff D's picture
by Geoff D - Jun 18 2009 - 6:13am

I thought you were Bob Gnoblick.

I heard some of your friends at Hippy Hollow call you that the other day.

Geoff D's picture
by Geoff D - Jun 12 2009 - 6:49pm

For those who missed it, I caught Fugly the Clown on camera. I will try and post it to the Velveeta room as soon as I can. Probably in the morning since I am at work.

Geoff D's picture
by Geoff D - Jun 13 2009 - 5:31pm

If you don't understand it.....neither did we.

Scottish-The-Comic's picture
by Scottish-The-Comic - Jun 13 2009 - 8:30pm

You have a link Geoff?

-The guy who lifted Martha Kelly (barely)

Geoff D's picture
by Geoff D - Jun 13 2009 - 10:52pm

But now it is here as well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SuwQFtcGtQ

jimmy smoltich's picture
by jimmy smoltich - Jun 15 2009 - 11:36am

a set that makes fred's act look normal...ish. i think my mom hired that guy to perform at one of my birthdays when i was young, as i remember it he works for pain pills

marthakelly's picture
by marthakelly - Jun 14 2009 - 4:28pm

Baffling.

- Martha Kelly (the woman who got lifted by the guy who lifted Martha Kelly(barely)).

invasionfromkat's picture
by invasionfromkat - Jun 12 2009 - 4:39am

Is this what the meeting was about at the flippin' mugshots????

Why won't any of you people tell me???

Did open mic die too?

And for that matter....why doesn't velveeta forum take my user name?

How do you read these threads? Do I start at the top or bottom?

I'm not even on the pot neither :(

Ramin's picture
by Ramin - Jun 12 2009 - 10:00am

Kat,

The Mugshots party was about re-designing the Last Gas website and getting everyone's input on stuff on what they'd like to see. It had nothing to do with Velveeta Room open mic, these two things just happened in the same week. We made a post about it here though because Dana wanted to get the word out to everyone.

I really think these changes are going to make Open mic a lot better, but I guess there a few people right now that are skeptical. Regardless, it's Dana's decision and we should trust his judgment. He knows this scene better than anyone. He's there every night, all night, and actually watches everyone.

The Velveeta Room forum is very screwy. I think the confirmation message is black text on a black background so it looks like nothing is there. Highlight everything on the screen after registering and see if it shows up there.

As for these comment threads, they weren't meant for lengthy back and forth discussions. They are designed for commenting directly on what the post is.We are going to have an awesome forum after we re-launch the site. It will be easy to follow. But until then, reading these threads will be a mess. If the comment is all the way to the left, it's a reply directly to the post. If it's a little to the right, it's replying to the comment above it. Most recent comment is moved to the top, so start at the bottom. It probably makes more sense on the pot...

invasionfromkat's picture
by invasionfromkat - Jun 12 2009 - 1:43pm

I am now capable of understanding all things technology. Ramin you were right....all senses go. I am one with html, c++, forum developement.....

But in all seriousness....

I get it now. It took seven hours to read all the posts......

My opinion is whatever keeps me out of trouble and slightly under the radar. I like velveeta room. I don't give a FUCK how long/short we have....whether we have to sign up online or not....whether there are ten or 33 comedians.... The funny will still b there if "it's been broughten". It's not our club....we just have the privilege to tell jokes at that historical shit...and if people wanna get butthurt....get a business loan, take that shit down to sixth, buy a building, and build a club that you can make you're rules at. Till then, be glad that you live in Austin with Multiple open mics that are all pretty different, and not San Antonio, where they used to harvest the organs of anyone who dares tell a joke.

Everyone's obviously pretty protective of the velv...but it'll be allright. Dana kept that shit workin' for this long....I'm sure a new format isn't going to abort comedy forever.

With that said.....

you are some impassioned motherlovers.

I like it.

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jun 12 2009 - 7:07am

Was that a poop joke?

invasionfromkat's picture
by invasionfromkat - Jun 12 2009 - 1:32pm

Like.....marijuana.

or poop.

whatever creams your twinkie baby.

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jun 12 2009 - 2:39pm

It's all about the Hostess chocolate cupcakes now.

Photobucket

Just the thought of that chocolatey cream-filled goodness makes my tongue hard.

cockistan's picture
by cockistan - Jun 12 2009 - 5:09pm

nobody does creepy like dr. juan

belinda.carroll's picture
by belinda.carroll - Jun 11 2009 - 2:27pm

Although I do think that Ruby is the ramalamadingdong, and it would be fantastic to see her, a lot of jobs right now are taking advantage of the whole 'recession' by not giving any leeway with schedules. I don't know if this is Ruby's case, but sometimes you can't say 'hey I need Thursday night off, just so you know' without your boss sayin' 'hey you don't have a job, just so you know.'

Steve Cox's picture
by Steve Cox - Jun 10 2009 - 12:42pm

I don't go to the Velv but maybe once a month, so I guess I don't have the say as the folks there week in week out, but I am excited about these changes.

I agree with the sentiment that a tighter show will not only be good for the club, but for the comics. I also like that Dana will be the authority on any changes to the list. Too often I have traveled down to the Velve from way up north, and been at a certain spot on the list. Then after bumps, and show ups, and all the nonsense, I have no idea when I will go up.

the idea of varied time alotments is cool, too. It will be a good measuring stick for people that they are making the right impressions, so maybe a little closer to getting som weekend work up there.

Thumbs up, I says.

Dana's picture
by Dana - Jun 10 2009 - 11:38am

I guess I am asking EVERYONE to trust that I have their best interests in mind. I mean the audience, the comics, the owners of the club, The Velveeta Room, and the Austin comedy scene.

My heart is in the right place. These are the rules. Like all rules there are exceptions, however during open mic I will make the exceptions not the host.

If you do not trust me, I understand.

Let's all try and make this work.

JakeFlores's picture
by JakeFlores - Jun 10 2009 - 4:59pm

i'm on board cap'n. we'll see how this pans out. didn't mean to attack your decisions, i only brought up all that stuff because i love the velv.

ps:

John Ramsey, we can't all practice at home and then come out and be fpia funny. a lot of us take the "stage time is how you get better" approach. it is not uncommon, ask patton oswalt. theres a reason open mic is called open mic and not "showcase" or plain old "show" like the weekend show. we'll have to agree to disagree here i suppose.

pps:

Mario, i refuse to elaborate on my romanticization of the velv on the grounds that i'm due at a whiffle ball game in 3 minutes. also, come on. we all know the velv rocks.

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jun 10 2009 - 8:44pm

I don't take John's admonition to practice at home to mean that practicing in an insulated environment is superior to stage time as a means to get better. But to make the best use of stage time (which should be viewed as precious), that a certain degree of practice and preparation before taking the stage is necessary. That's the meaning of productive practice, using the stage time at the open mic to be productive practice. And that requires some degree of preparation. Granted somebody that's been a touring comic for a long time at a high level, like a Patton Oswalt or a Dave Attell or a Maria Bamford or a Brian Regan or anybody of that stature may superficially appear to be just going up on stage and riffing, but that ability comes from their YEARS of experience at doing comedy that they've internalized. I can't think of any current local Austin comics that have that combination of skill, talent and longevity of performance at their level.

There will always be times when a comic, new or seasoned, will have an attack of nerves or anxiousness that causes them to draw a blank. There's no way that practicing at home can simulate the adrenaline that comes with being in front of a live crowd or their responses, anticipated or unanticipated, for better or worse. But the more effort someone puts into what they want to say ahead of time when they've written new jokes the easier it will be to do the jokes when they go up(and not necessarily memorizing word-for-word which tends to kill the spontaneity though some people do memorize that way). The more they try to nail down what sequence they want to tell their jokes ahead of time, the better they'll be able to recall them in that sequence in front of a crowd.

It's not very productive to just go up with a vague notion (or even no notion) of what you want to say and expect your own private Muse to magically strike you with the inspiration to utter comic masterpieces spontaneously. There are some people may be performance geniuses that way, but they are rare, definitely not the norm.

And just because there's some structure and it's more of a show doesn't mean that it is a showcase. Dana hasn't said that at all. Dana has not said that known comics can't try new stuff and experiment and risk bombing. Dana hasn't said that there will be no newbies allowed. Just that people are going to have to sign up well ahead of time and check in early on Thursday and that he's gonna make up the list and there's gonna be no bumping or substitutions without his OK. I trust that he's going to avoid long stretches of relative newbies and give folks that are known to be funny and polished a little more time in front of the audience to keep them entertained. And you're in that latter group, Jake. It's not like you just started yesterday.

DougE's picture
by DougE - Jun 10 2009 - 6:03pm

I think John's comment was a thinly veiled attempt to offer up his home for comics to practice. But I could be wrong.

I've been known to get some of my best practice in whilst driving. Of course, it's "sit down" comedy, but if you can remember your set while some idiot-text-messaging-teenager allows her Tahoe to drift 3 or 4 feet into your lane, then you can remember it on the stage.

tjt2513's picture
by tjt2513 - Jun 10 2009 - 6:48pm

Maybe you woulda seen it if you weren't so busy practicing your set and applying lipstick in the mirror. Yeah, I saw you. No but yeah I practice in my car too!

DougE's picture
by DougE - Jun 10 2009 - 10:47pm

to visualize how you must drive, text, and signal at the same time. One of those Hindu gods comes to mind.

And, fyi, I don't need a mirror to apply lipstick. Rookie.

marthakelly's picture
by marthakelly - Jun 10 2009 - 11:43am

Dear Dana,

I am sorely disappointed that this argument has ended without gunshots or bloodshed. I guess I will have to go back to picking fights with my cats. What a world.

love,

Martha

shesajen's picture
by shesajen - Jun 10 2009 - 9:21am

so we have now learned that some, if not all, comics are humans and fear change.

i think its necessary to admit that all of us have fears about the new policies, especially those of us who don't have a cemented place in Austin Comedy --

- what if we aren't funny enough to get on the list
- what is it going to take to get 6 minutes/10 minutes
- are we going to have to hear the same comics do the same 6-10 minutes for the rest of our lives?
- what if we can't plan that far ahead?
- how does "hard work" factor in?
- what does "funny" mean?
- what if my husband leaves me and takes everything we own and i don't have internet access to sign up on Monday?

I think all of these are valid concerns (though some might just be me), but they are concerns only because we haven't gotten a chance to try it out --

Lets be honest, there are some really crappy things about the Velv open mic - we can allow it to continue or we can try new things -- to me the worst thing we can do is to sit and bitch about the old and then sit and bitch about the proposed-not-even-tried-yet-how-do-you-know-it-will-suck new??

Jen Hill

DrJuan's picture
by DrJuan - Jun 10 2009 - 12:42pm

-what if we aren't funny enough to get on the list

I suppose there's always room for bribery. How much? I guess the market will decide.

- what is it going to take to get 6 minutes/10 minutes

I'm guessing: #1) having enough funny material to fill the time and #2) Dana being aware of it (refer to the bribery mentioned above).

- are we going to have to hear the same comics do the same 6-10 minutes for the rest of our lives?

No, you can always step outside for a smoke. Or climb up the ladder to the treehouse (remember to dress appropriately).

- what if we can't plan that far ahead?

If you can't sign up because you can't predict if you'll be able to make it, there's always internet blogging if you want to get your message out to the public. Or street preaching (bring a tambourine). Or bribery. Or psychics.

- how does "hard work" factor in?

Wild guess here: writing and editing material, becoming more proficient in delivery and performance, developing a persona or voice. Alternatively, it could mean working a second job to pay for bribes.

- what does "funny" mean?

Do people laugh, especially Dana? I'm sure you could always get Dana's opinion on the hilarity of a given bit if you submit a written query to him on a $20, $50, or even a $100 bill.

- what if my husband leaves me and takes everything we own and i don't have internet access to sign up on Monday?

There's always the public library. Or maybe logging in from work or Kinko's or an internet cafe, or someplace with free wi-fi or maybe getting a phone that has internet access. Or you could resort to bribery.

I hope this was helpful.